AND SO IT GOES.

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It's 1:15 in the morning and I've been avoiding writing this post as this will be the most important post I write. 

There's something so calming about typing, the way it sounds with my thoughts pouring out, hoping to find the translation from my mind to the keys. And yet, this calming feeling I crave, I haven't done in over six months. Not in a notebook, not on a post-it and not on this blog. And, I've found it's come to a rest. 

Profresh Style was built on the simplest idea; find a community that loves vintage and fashion as much as I do. And, I did. Thank goodness. I was so thankful to have a home on the internet where I could fully express myself because, at the time, who really took notice? Not many I'd come across. I loved it, loved how it brought me closer to like-minded people, provided incredible experiences I couldn't imagine my life without, and showed me it was okay to be who I was, floral neon cloak and all. But, then it became a business. Something I don't think many of us who had started in the blog world so early would have imagined. And at the time, it wasn't wrong, it was welcome. It was exciting to have this collaboration with local brands and larger companies taking notice of us regular people. It was honestly one of the coolest things ever. Until, it wasn't. 

It slowly happened but PR companies took notice and so did I, loved this idea that I could work with brands, make money and create cool content for the blog outside of what I normally post. It made me feel a whole lot cooler than I really was and in a way, validated me, my ideas and high school-educated self. College was for the birds, and I just knew that I was destined for greater things outside of a degree. So, collaborated with brands I did and made money, I did. It was fun and exciting - I landed internships and opportunities I never thought I would. And, I believed it was all thanks to this little space on the internet. Which, when you think about it, is pretty cool. 

I had this desire after several trips to NYC for fashion week, to move there. So, I did. I found that my blog was an interest of agencies and companies who were looking to work with bloggers and influencers. Luckily for me, those people were my friends. So, I took incredible jobs thanks to the blog, simply to make my friends money with dope brand deals. It was an experience I'm thankful for; I understood my worth in this space and how I could benefit being on both sides of the coin; the influencer and the brand. I helped brands understand influencers needs, their worth and why they are worth the dollar to spend. I helped influencers negotiate fees and understand how to pitch to brands. I felt like I had found my career calling. Though, I still had my blog. 

It was great to have this as a diary, as a way to express my feelings, what was going on with me, heartbreak and sometimes, irritation and anger. What made it greater was being able to keep both types of content; fashion & beauty alongside my honest words. It was a unique take on content, especially back then, and I'm thankful I let my honesty show. Although, to be honest, it burned me quite a bit. I often think it's why I never had an opportunity to "take off" or "make it". But, that's neither here nor there. I'm happy I've been able to be so honest and not lose what was most important to me, you. 

As most of you know (or notice), I don't maintain this blog, not as much as I did before. I gave up the idea that fashion and style were an interest because to be honest, it is not. After almost 10 years of blogging and everything that goes on in the blog world, I realize I'm not as passionate about the relics of blogging; lookbooks, tutorials, my latest purchases (and freebies), etc. I no longer felt I had control over who I was portraying because of the influence I allowed in. The amount of blogger advice being tossed around on how to reach success just felt like bullshit and I didn't care to be a part of it any longer. At least, not in the way others were. I didn't want to be a pawn.  

With the death of blogging for the sake of blogging and the rise of skinny teas and gummy hair growth, who can blame those who want to call major bullshit on it all? The authenticity is dead, almost everywhere. Not many blogs or youtubers are sharing content just to share, so what are you left with? Left deciphering whether or not you want to support that influencer, even if it means they are promoting something that they would of never if they weren't one. And, so, it begs the question, why would anyone want to be associated as one, as that kind of influencer? I can tell you, not me. 

I want to create authenticity, support influencers who use their powerful voice to cause change alongside their sponsored posts. I want to build campaigns that create awareness, opportunity, and understanding. I'd like to continue working with influencers who give a shit, who spend their time doing great things for not just themselves, but others and use their money to make things grow; be it businesses that provide jobs, non-profits that truly give back, for the collective good. I want to build up communities, support women who want to take their businesses to the next level, to really soar. 

This blog was the perfect catalyst that caused my career to be what it is today, and taught me who I really am; year after year. I discovered what I love, who I don't love and how to transition everything in my life to make me happy. I don't want to be part of something that feels inauthentic but rather creates a space for realness and a place where collaboration reigns. 

I've loved everything about Profresh Style; all the opportunities and content I've been able to take part in. I'm no big-time influencer so this isn't nearly as dramatic if others were to shut down, but for me, it's an end to my beginning. I'm closing the books on Profresh Style as she is no longer a part of the journey I'm about to partake in. There has been this desire to create with no motivation to do so and after feeling this way for a year, I now know its time to put my efforts to something that matters, something that gives opportunity and something I couldn't imagine NOT doing. 

JIG+SAW has been an idea for 5 of the 10 years during Profresh Style. I now have the best opportunity to make my real dreams a reality. I get to create something beautiful with creators, entrepreneurs and most importantly, women who give a shit. It's powerful and exciting, something that has nothing to do with me and what I'm wearing or what brand is sponsoring my latest shoe purchase. JIG+SAW is what's next for me, and I hope you'll understand. But, of course, you will because you've always been the dopest part about all this. 

So, let's talk about you for a second. I've been on here with complaints, happiness, sadness, depression, anxiousness and celebration and all the while, you've been here. You've read each story, supported each success and rewarded me with love when I felt less than. I've never had a community like this in my life, never one that felt so reachable, one that made me so emotional when meeting you. I'll never forget the times I've run into you on the street, in the coffee shop, in a bar or in Whole Foods, where we've had a passionate conversation about life and not about petty things. I'm so thankful you were who you all were. So, very thankful. You've helped me to see that authenticity is what matters and to never sacrifice that for anything, not a dollar or a trip. You've made this better, this space on the internet. And, I hope you continue to support others on their journeys, even though different from mine. We're all searching for something that makes us the happiest, we're all wanting to feel accepted and understood, feel like we've got the world behind us and nothing could stop us. Continue to support influencers who use their voices as a platform, support those that make incredibly, beautiful content. Support the talented and the disregarded. It would mean the world as I leave my post. 

I hope you'll come hang at JIG+SAW, come see the journey that's led me there. It's going to be amazing and I'm thankful to relieve myself from Profresh. But, to be fair, who knows? I could stop by, write a little letter to you all again. Never say never, right? 

And at 2:49am, I want to close by saying thanks for being rad little blog. I appreciate it for all that it was. 

ONE WEEK OF SIX KIDS + VID

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I love vacation - I never take them though. I envy my friends who go on lavish, beautiful vacations and the experiences they have with one another. My core group of girls just came back from Belize, a trip I had to turn down because of work which was so difficult to do. My best friend just wrote this on her Facebook wall the other day, 

Experiences > Things. Until my last dime..

I'm so thankful I got away for one full week, without distraction, with my entire family. For once. 

I am one of six siblings - and we are HILARIOUS. My mom and stepdad have had a handful trying to manage us kids and our schedules. And, this was the first time we've been completely together in nearly a decade without boyfriends/girlfriends, distractions, work, etc. It was the best time I've had in so, so long. To bond with my baby sisters, who one is jumping into her Junior year and the other just starting her first year of high school was beyond needed. Family is everything to me, and to be a part of their lives as they grow up, I value so much. One day, I'll be close by again where we can go on car rides and make jokes about boys and eat Taco Bell.. okay, Chipotle.

And, to spend it together, cooking dinner, hanging out on the beach, singing and playing the ukulele, I'll treasure forever. As cheesy, corny, silly as that sounds. My family is so dope, man.

scroll down for the video, duh. 

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β–ΌWATCH THE VLOG, DUH β–Ό

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Squad goals. 

TWENTY-FOURTEEN, ROLLER COASTER RIDE

photo by Ian Maxion

photo by Ian Maxion

This year, you guys, this YEAR. 
Talk about the craziest year yet. I don't think I've ever been quite as tested and tried over the course of 12 months than I ever have, like this year. This year taught me incredible things about myself- how resilient I can be to circumstances I never thought existed. I wanted to reflect on a few great things that happened and a few not so great things. I want to be look back on this year as a success, as a guide for the new. Putting things out in the open makes them real, #amirite?

MY CAREER

I consider myself a goal-getter. I love working for companies that strive for success in a new way. I love making cool shit happen, far beyond what I could even realize. This year marked the first year I committed my whole self to a company, of which I love and adore and filled with frustration all at the same time. I never thought I'd be one to commit longer than a year to any one company, as I love change + to move around to keep things exciting. But, making beautiful and amazing things happen allows me to see the beauty in committing to a company that works with me, rather than I work for them. 

With that said, I get continuous questions on what I actually do for a living. Would you be interested in hearing what I do in a video perhaps?? LMK, because homegirl is READY.

But, something that I've yet to share, I'd like to share with you soon. I've been working on a project for the past 11 months that has everything to do with my career, and nothing at all. I can't wait to share that with you as it's going to change my life. Stay tuned. Just saying. 

MY FRIENDSHIPS

A goal I set this past January was to focus on the quality of my friendships, to listen and understand my friends and be there far beyond a text here and there or a lunch once a few months. This year, I focused on building my existing friendships to a stronger point, being honest and open, listening rather than telling and being present, despite how tired, irrational or emotional I feel. I also focused on my circle. As a kid, I desperately loved having a large number of friends. I needed to have every line filled out in my Lisa Frank/Hello Kitty address book, every year I was in school to address the fact that I had friends. But, that never really meant much. This year, that changed. I kept my close ones close, rather than maintain a hundred friends. I made traveling with my best friends a major priority as I ALWAYS opt out. It was such a great experience to travel with them, my closest. I needed to get away with them, learn about their grown up lives and have moments that I will cherish forever. I made a few new friends and they've become so close. I trust this small circle of friends with my everything - share all my secrets and all my fears, which was never something I would of done before. I feared rejection or judgement but this year was different. I allowed my vulnerability to shine, to allow trust to guide me and I'm so thankful for those that surround me and I around them. 

MY LOVE LIFE 

This is something I struggled with all year but was a massive piece to what made me realize something very important for my future. 

First things first, moving back brought back a lot of memories. My ex and I connected since I moved back to a place where we were together, many years ago. It was nice to see someone who knew me and I honestly felt happy to connect with someone in a physical way that didn't cause harm to my feelings... Four months in, I found out he got someone pregnant. First sting of the year. Still getting over it. 

Tinder happened, and happened a lot. I went on some silly dates, some worst than others. Most were pointless and silly reflections of the quality of Los Angeles men but there was one that sort of changed it all. I met someone who was simply, simple. He was honest, charming, so caring and sweet. He was naive but not in an immature way, just in a "life has been rough, so I only see this side" type naivety. He was compassionate to my feelings and worked so hard to bring down walls that have existed for YEARS. I'll be honest, I felt things about him that I hadn't felt in those YEARS that passed. I didn't share this of course, until it was already over. And, it was over because he was different of which reasons are his business and not anyone else's that I'd like to share. I won't forget how he helped me realize and actually share out loud, that I'm finally ready to be with someone, love someone, care about someone. I'm ready to allow feelings to be felt, rather than suppressed. I'm happy that I'm going into a new year with this knowledge, that I'm ready. 

MY HIGHLIGHTS

Traveling to Costa Rica, London, back to NYC, Palm Springs and home. 
Planning, executing and trending BeautyCon LA + NYC, thanks to my incredible team.
Meeting JoJo, for obvious reasons.
Executing one of my dream campaigns for LACOSTE, a road trip to Coachella. 
Going vegan for 20 days. Trying that again this coming year.
Watching my family grow and become cool people, my brother moving to LA.
Celebrating successes with all of my friends.
Pitching and winning awesome campaigns.
Taking meetings with big dogs.
Dodger games.
Runyon hikes.
Best friend moving to LA, a mile away from me. 
Target runs and Topshop sprees.
Joining #WomenWhoRock.
Started my dream company's blueprints.
BeautyCon was front page of the Style section of the New York Times.
Mom came to visit me solo, best weekend ever.

Stay tuned for 2015's fortitude.


LONDONTOWN

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London. What can I even say about this incredible place? Not only did I fall in love but I started to be consumed by everyone's demeanor (aside from the customer service..) and wanted desperately to be a part of their daily lives, for a lot longer than a week. It was beautiful. Having gone as a work trip, I definitely need to come back for leisure. There was so much I wanted to see and do so a Europe trip needs to be in the books for 2015. I mean, who agrees? 

Some of my favorite spots were: 

Topshop Oxford Circus: I mean, literally whatever your little heart desires is in this Topshop: a sandwich, a coffee, eyebrow threading, makeup applications, weave extensions, WAH NAILS, over 50+ random shops with different brands (all of which I obsessed over; particularly Just Female + Twist and Turn). Oh and also a piercing and tattoo shop. So, I obviously got a tattoo

The Churchill Arms, Kensington - Thai food. I mean, what more is there to say. Simple, delicious, fresh Thai food. Oh, it's also in some sort of pub/greenhouse. 

The Windsor Castle, Kensington - I was dying for some bangers and mash. Literally, everywhere we went, I was scouring the menu. We heard of this place and took a drive. They were so, so worth it. I love a good wine gravy.

Caravan, Granary Square - This was a trek to get to but it was so worth it. The actual space is gorgeous - like a mass bakery. It's so worth the journey for the baked eggs and avocado toast. Truly. Really, just the avocado toast. It was better than ANY I've ever had.

Tayyabs, Whitechapel - First time having Punjabi food and it DID NOT disappoint. Literally, everything was so delicious. It's BYOB so come prepared, take a seat and wear elastic pants. I'm salivating, currently. 

Bills, Soho - Okay. My all-time favorite spot. I went here twice, it was worth it. The food is delicious but the decor is even better. Rustic tables, millions of candles, chandeliers, dim lighting - it was the best. Such a cozy place, romantic or otherwise. All of the desserts are delicious... I may or may not of had every, single one. 

So, clearly, I had a food journey rather than a shopping journey. But, alas, it's me. That's what I do, I eat. There were incredible shops in Shoreditch that I highly recommend. Also, pop into the Ace Hotel there. It's incredible, like, legit beautiful. I also went to an amazing coffee shop near Barry St so go on a journey and find it. Obviously. 

But, I think what's most important here is... the MEN. I mean, whoa. I've never loved a beard and a man bun more. The men, especially in the East End were, just, ridiculous. Each one was so well-dressed, even if it were a casual look. So, basically on a venture to find a mate there. I mean, clearly right?

WATCH THE VIDEO, DUH! 

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